At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
