My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
it was like eating out sand paper
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
