DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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