Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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