Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
