We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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