i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
