Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
