When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
