I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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