No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
