I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
