Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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