You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
