the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
