I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I am spending my child support on dildos
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
