capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
