Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
