and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
