I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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