i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
