I need to stop coming to work sober
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
