there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
The beer is more important than you right now.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
