Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
