I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
