Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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