i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
