I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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