I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
