I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
