I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Sorry about my life...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
