Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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