I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
