Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
