I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
