I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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