dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
