in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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