i think my mom watched the whole time
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
