I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I pour the whiskey from now on
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
