I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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