Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Everything about him screamed your future.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
