I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
