I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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