you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
