Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
