I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
