We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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