I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
