She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Randomize
