I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
