the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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