if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
