don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
