There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
