I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
